I hate that you’re important to me. I hate that now we’ve dragged ourselves into this ugly wreck of a life that we’ve been forced to live, hate that I look for you everywhere and that I imagine your arms holding me when I can finally drift off to sleep. I hate that I rested my head on your shoulder. That I let you leave a mark on my heart. It’s too scarred now; you don’t want my heart anyway. That day, you told me that you were sorry and I cried. I can’t decide if being numb is better than what I’m feeling now.
I want you to remember me as the first girl who loved you, and the first girl you loved back. I want you to remember me when you’re out walking, wherever it may be. By the river, through the woods, through the city as you’re out exploring. I want you to remember how we talked and planned to do everything together. I want you to remember how comfortable we were with each other and how we always kept each other’s trust. I want you to remember me as kind, and loving, and passionate. I want you to remember me as caring, and strong, and supportive. I want you to remember me as the girl who was once your everything. I want you to remember how smart you are, no matter how many rejection letters you may receive. I want you to remember that you are capable of doing anything you want to and that you will succeed as long as you have the passion and heart to do it. I want you to look back on our time together and know that what we had was wonderful. I want you to remember our love when you’re out in the world pursuing this brave new world you’re seeking. You gave me the world, even though our worlds didn’t align. As strong as our love ever was, it didn’t last. And I’ll keep on loving you with whatever is left of my shattered heart.
Realize your worth before it’s too late. You aren’t created to merely serve a bunch of people who dont give a fuck about what you do. You are created for a far bigger purpose. Realize what you are. Make sure to love yourself. Because mean people are always going to be mean. Make your heart strong. Strong enough to let go of the ones who cause you pain. Learn to let go. You ain’t too fat, too skinny, too small or too big. You are what Almighty has created you. You don’t need to cut yourself in pieces and burn your flesh and set your soul on fire for the people who want you to be ‘PERFECT’. You are perfect the way you are. Stop torturing yourself and be yourself. People are never going to be happy even if your cut open your heart infront of them. They’ll only be greedy for more. Despite giving you hatred and criticism in return, they’ll always demand love and affection and it would never be enough. I do not agree that Love is one-sided. And you should not too. This is a process of Give and Take. Don’t give love when all you receive in return is hate. Love makes you feel alive, it makes you happy, it makes your face glow; then why do you carry this dull-sad face with a heavy heart? Do not let people rule you. BE THE QUEEN OF YOUR OWN REALM. Tell yourself that you’ve had enough. Love the people who adore you and are capable of your love and efforts, who appreciate what you do for them. Because wrong people would always want more. They’ll empty your soul and tire your body and fill you with doubts about yourself and will still want more. They’ll have no skill, no plus-point, no accomplishment to be proud of, no reason of this pride, but still they’ll drag you on the path where you feel pressed, lowered and suffocated. Do not let them do this to you. Do not let them use their meanness against you and Do not avenge because Almighty is the best avenger. Simply say bye to those people. And if they, themselves kick you out of their lives, because you’ve ran out of the pieces you were offering them, because you’ve already cut your body in thousands pieces that there’s no more left to give, and you’ve realized who they are and who YOU are, then I wont call this a kick,its a blessing, so don’t blame yourself. Stop taking the blames. Stop torturing yourself. Remind yourself that YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH. You have to live for yourself and for your creator rather than making a bunch of people happy. In the end, you’ll realize how good it was to get rid of the mean people, it looks like the trash took itself out.
I’ve been a total wreck in the wake of our demise. An actual catastrophe of self-loathing and loneliness that I wasn’t even aware I was capable of feeling until I was sitting in my car crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I tried, tried hard to ignore everything that reminds me that you exist. But my heart is constantly reminding me that even though you’re gone, you’re never going to be too far from my mind. I confess that sometimes, I miss you more than regular and stop pretending to be okay.
Despite all of my efforts to charge ahead and leave you behind, I keep thinking that with enough time you’ll change your mind. That you’ll realize you made a mistake. That you tell me to come back. That you want to be “us” again. That you love me and want me in your life and would do somehting about the things that bother me. I keep thinking you’ll change your mind and once again see me as the person standing next to you on your wedding day. I keep thinking that you’ll simply change your mind and do something good for us both and call me back and love me always.
But I don’t want you to change your mind, I want you to make up your mind. I want you to make up your mind that it is me. That I wasn’t wrong to love you so deeply and believe you when you said you wanted to spend your life with me. I want you to make up your mind that while, yes, there are tens or hundreds or thousands of women that you could be with who might be good at everything but that I am the only one you truly love. I want you to make up your mind that the person who makes you the happiest and makes your life feel worth living is me.
I’ll go through each and every day putting one foot in front of the other while working hard to convince everyone that I am fine knowing that you’re somewhere else, doing something else. I will put you out of my mind and simply carry on. Until I see your favorite food at the table. Until my phone vibrates. Until that song comes on. Until I have to go to sleep. Until I fall apart and have to start all over again…without you.
I’ve been running. I’m afraid to stop running because if I do my despair will consume me and I’m afraid I won’t come out alive. Who wins in a situation like this? I pull myself together every morning and start my day. I see people, study, keep myself busy. I come home and work even more or watch movies, I keep myself distracted. There’s no need for food right now, I’ve no appetite. When everything is done and I’m finally alone that’s when I break.
What are your days like? How does it feel to leave whatever you’re doing and check your phone only to see no messages from me? Are you relieved? Sad? Happy? Angry?
I may have written it months ago, but it will always be my favourite
Dear MY Person,
“There are so many things that I want to say to you, but there is no time to get through it all. I could spend the rest of my life telling you how much you mean to me, and I still wouldn’t be able to get through half of it. You are everything I have ever wanted, and so much more. Whether it’s your smile or your sense of humor or your desire to please everyone around you, you have made me fall for you. And trust me when I say this: I’m falling hard. I didn’t know what loving someone truly meant until I met you. Although that day has meshed into the memories, I am so grateful that the forces of the universe pushed us together. You always tell me that everything happens for a reason, and maybe our reason isn’t concrete yet, but I believe you were placed into my life so I could understand what it meant to truly give my whole self to someone else.
All I want to do is pick up the phone and tell you all of my troubles and listen to you reassure me that everything is going to be perfectly fine in the end, but my anxiety has started to push you away. Talking has decreased; I hardly hear your voice. You can’t imagine how much I truly miss you, and I can never put the right words together to tell you how much you mean to me, but I’ll try. I see you in all of my favorite things. Every time I listen to music, I can almost hear you brag about how introduced me to that particular song. Whenever I go out or to a peaceful place, I wish you could be there with me. All of my favorite memories have been with you. I miss you no matter the hour — whether it’s 2 p.m., and I’m busy, or it’s 2 a.m., and I’m alone in bed. I can’t think about life without thinking about you. I can’t imagine life without you by my side, and, frankly, I don’t want to.
You have become a part of who I am, and that scares me. But what terrifies me most is the thought of losing you. I like the person I am when I’m with you. I love the way you make me laugh at almost anything, but I also love that we can have serious conversations about controversial topics that are happening in our world. I love that a small smile creeps across your face when you talk about your family. I love that you hate shopping as much as I do. I love every moment I have ever spent with you. I love every memory we share, and although we are in a rough patch, I cannot wait to make more. You are my best friend and the love of my life and I am forever grateful. Thank you so much for loving me. I love you more and you know what more means.”
And…I would never regret falling in love with you.
You seek completeness. You seek peace. So let your heart break. Let your soul shatter. Let your breath stop, because when you do, you find yourself, you feel complete. Let your heart break when you’re staring into the eyes of someone you love, when they’re laughing and talking about the things they love and when their pupils dilate while they stare back into your eyes. Let your heart break over a lie or over someone’s smile. Let your heart break when you’re listening to a song and the lyrics remind you of something beautiful. Let your heart break in a conversation, in lonliness, in happiness. Let your soul shatter when you’re gazing the sky and hit by an ocean of thoughts. Let your breath stop when you sit by the sea and observe the waves striking their heads to the shore.
Because when you break, you expand. Because when you shatter, you rejoin. Because when your breath stops, the spaces between yourself are no more vacant and because when you’re vulnerable, you step into yourself and there you are.
I feel solitude.
I feel the absence and the sound of laughter from the other side of the wall. The way you speak to yourself just to fill the meagerness of someone else.
I have strong intimacy with it. I observe it closely. I feel solitude while I sit on the rooftop at 4 AM in the morning and stare at the dark sky with constellations. The stars make the sky look beautiful, but the absence of them makes it even more alluring. Lack of asterisms on the sky is just like solitude, it looks blank, lacks words, but once you’re addicted to it, you find serenity in it.
I feel solitude when I sit at this bench while it’s raining, I watch people open their umbrellas and rush towards shades, while I just stare uninterruptedly at the drops dribbling down the leaves. I feel the smell of rain adding essence to my cup of tea. I observe the patterns that are made while the teabag leaves its color in my cup. I see clouds concocting a ship in the sky and then scattering into pieces. I like the way I notice things and how I wouldn’t notice them if someone kept filling my mind with familiar conversations because I seek the unfamiliar. How small, ordinary routines can turn into beautiful memories.
Solitude leads me where no one could get me, where no one could see the things I see. It lets me look close into the world, into myself. Noticing the things that people leave unnoticed is what brings me pleasure. It doesn’t have to be empty as long as it brings you tranquility.
Thank you for picking up my socks, my bag, my books, my crayons, my shoes, my towel, my cloths, my laptop, my crafts, my earphones, my pajamas, my hair clips, my slippers and all the things I leave on the way behind me everywhere around the house. Thank you for making time for me, for pausing what you’re doing to listen to me. I know you’re busy, but that lets me know that I’m cherished by you. Thank you for being my friend more than my mother, thank you for being strong for me, for having faith in me, for trusting me and for encouraging me.
It is so incredible that you only get happy when seeing a smile on my face and seeing my happiness.
I will be a mother myself in future and I am already aghast. I don’t know if I can be good at it, and afraid that I might struggle in that inexorable part of my life after I am married. But if I can be even half of the mother that you are to me, I know I’ll be okay.
You are my role model and my first love, and I love you so much.